} pigsty {
} poetry {
} songs {
} misc {
©2002 egf
} surreal {
I know I am.
I know I am, too.
Then we are.
Yes, we are.
What are we?
Ready.
Ready? For what?
To play.
But I'm so tired.
Then sleep.
No! Not sleep.
Then what? What do you want?
I am so tired of playing these games...
What do you want?
Honesty.
Honesty from who?
You. Everyone. Myself.
Explain please.
Why the masks? Why do we all have to hide who we are? Are we really that fragile?
Are you really that clueless?
...
Are you really so naive?
What do you mean?
Tell me how you feel.
Confused.
About what?
I don't understand what you are asking me. I don't understand why.
Not that.
What then?
How do you feel about me?
I...
Come on, tell me.
I can't...
You're the one who wanted honesty.
*sigh* I know, but--
No but! Do you want it?
Yes.
Then tell me.
...
...
I can't.
Why not?
You seem mad at me, and I don't know why.
I'm not mad.
It seems like you are...
I'm not.
...
Listen, I'm sorry. I'm not mad at you. I'm trying to help you.
How so?
I think that if you really want honesty, you need to start with yourself. Be honest with yourself. Tell me how you feel.
But it's hard.
I know it's hard. But it has to be you. You can't change anyone else. Especially if you aren't willing to change, yourself.
Why do I have to go first?
Because it is something you believe in. Do it to be an example. Be the guide. Be the trailblazer. Lead the way for others to follow.
I'm not a leader... I can't make decisions. I can't tell people what to do.
You are a leader. You just don't recognize it. Don't you see how much people look to you? Don't you see how great you are?
I'm not... I'm not.
You are. See what I mean? You have to be honest with yourself, or you will never lead the way.
It's just-- I...
You have the skill. You have the potential. It is up to you to decide whether or not you are going to live up to it.
But--
It is up to you to decide now that you will do whatever it takes, even if it is hard, to live up to your potential.
I'm so weak.
Don't you dare say that! Can't you see how strong you are? Look how far you've come. Just because it isn't easy, that doesn't mean that you are weak. Don't you dare say that.
Are you mad at me again?
No. I wasn't mad at you in the first place. I care about you, Glen. I want you to be happy. I want to help you in any way I can. But I can't really help you with this. This one is up to you. All I can do is encourage you to do what is right. Do what you know is good for you. All I can do is hope to show you that your low self-esteem is unwarranted. You are great. I really wish that you could see that.
Thank you.
You don't believe me.
I can't help that. What should I do? I can't help it.
I try so hard to give you compliments but I can always feel you turning them away!
I said thank you.
You didn't mean it.
Yes I did. It was really nice of you to say those things.
You didn't believe it...
I'm sorry. I can't help it.
You're not really sorry either, are you?
Yes, I truly am. I wish I could believe you. I wish I could see what you seem to see.
But only because it bothers me.
...
You're so busy spending all your time trying to please everyone! You never say anything in your own defense. You never stick up for yourself. You are so selfless you make me sick! It's as if you don't care about yourself. You don't care.
Are you mad at me now?
*exhale* Stop that, Glen! Yes I'm mad! See what I mean? You don't even care about what I just said about you. All you care about is if you made me mad. If you bothered me in some way. No, I'm not really mad. I'm just... You can just be so frustrating sometimes.
I'm sorry...
Stop being sorry! Just be you. Stop worrying about me and do something for yourself, even if I don't like it.
I can't stop worrying about you.
Try! Just stop. Now.
Okay...
See? You even gave up arguing about worrying about me because I let you know it bothered me! Stick up for yourself sometime and just do something you believe in.
How can I win like this? How can I win? You tell me to stop worrying. You tell me I worry too much. So I decide to stop it and you tell me that I should have kept it up. How can I win this? I'm tired of these games. I'm tired of this. It happens all too much. Nobody is ever satisfied when I do something for them. It's never enough. It's never good enough for anybody. No matter what I do, it will never be enough. I will never be enough. Everyone uses me and takes advantage of me. They twist things around, just like you did. If I tell them one thing, they turn it into something else and let me apologize so they can feel loved. So they can feel special. Just leave me alone if you are going to play these games. What about me? Can't I ever feel loved? Can't anyone show me attention? Can't anyone go out of their way to make me happy for once? Can't anyone treat me like I am special to them?
...
...
You see, Glen? You can't win. Not like that. You can never win when you are looking for someone else's approval. You have to decide what is good enough for you and then do it. You have to decide what to base your worth on. You can't let others tell you your worth. How do you ever truly know what they think about you, anyway? I have told you time and again how great I think you are, but you won't believe me. Your perception of yourself is really your perception of how others perceive you. What you think we think about you. Don't you see how messed up that is?
I know... Easier said than done.
Then do. Start now. You still haven't told me how you feel.
I can't.
Why not?
Because I don't know, really... I can't figure out the right words to use to describe these feelings.
Try.
Okay.
...
I care about you. I respect you. I look up to you. You have many wonderful traits that I wish I had. You are so good. You mean something special to me. I know I don't show it much, but you do. If I could, I would want to be with you all the time. Every time I see you, I become so much happier. Anytime I talk to you, my nerves are put at ease. Anytime I think of you, which is often, I think of all the good times we have had, and will have.
...
...
Is that it?
Everything? No...
Go on.
I don't know what else to say. That was hard enough as it is. Whatever comes next is even harder.
Come on, Glen. You won't regret it.
How do you know? I might...
Honestly, I don't know. But you know me. You can tell me anything. You're safe, here.
...
Come on... Please?
You make me feel...
Like what?
You know how I have trouble with feeling? How I feel almost emotionless?
Yes.
I don't. Not with you. You make me feel. Period.