} pigsty {
} poetry {
} songs {
} misc {
©2002 egf
} saved {
Jason felt the anguish was unbearable. He didn't want to live anymore. His depression had taken him to such an extreme depth that he felt no hope of coming out of it and wanted only to end his miserable life. But he was scared. He was scared of death and what it would bring.
The phone rang. Jason frowned that his thoughts were interrupted and ignored it. He contemplated ways to kill himself. He wanted it to be quick and with little pain. He decided to go for a walk to see what ideas might arise when he noticed with annoyance that the phone was still ringing. His annoyance quickly turned into curiosity as he estimated how long the phone had been ringing. Jason guessed it had already rang at least twenty times. He let out a sigh and picked up the phone.
"Hello?"
"Hi. Is this Jason?"
What do you want? Jason thought to himself. "Yes, this is him."
"Oh, hi Jason. How are you?"
Who are you and what do you want? He thought again. He tried to sound cheerful. "I'm doing pretty good. Who is this?"
"This is Kim Nielson."
"Kim?" Jason's eyes widened with anxiety and disbelief. He had always liked Kim even though they weren't more than mere acquaintences. Jason remembered the first time he saw her. Her personality made her glow and he respected her almost instantly. Jason always wished secretly that he was a part of her life. He didn't think that she even knew he existed. And now he was talking on the phone with her. "Do you need something?"
"Yeah," the anxious voice echoed across the line, "I was kind of bored and I was wondering if you would like to do something tonight."
Jason nearly had to slap himself to pull out of shock. He considered his plans that he already had for the evening and tried to decide to tell her that he was busy or not. After a short delay he decided that his plans could wait until he returned home that evening. He and Kim agreed to meet up at a coffee shop nearby.
Jason sighed as he put the phone down. Only this was a sigh of mixed emotion. He was excited and almost let himself feel happy until he saw the various fatal objects he had laid out on his bed while trying to decide the best way to go. He spoke to them as if they were his friends. "I have to go for now. But I shall return shortly. Until then..." He swept them into a shoebox and slid it under his bed.
Kim sat nervously at the small round table wringing a napkin in her lap waiting for Jason to show up. She checked her watch. "Relax, Kim," she said to herself, "just relax. He'll be here any minute and everything will be alright." As if by hidden signal, Jason opened the cafe door. He gave a little smile as he made his way over to her. Thank goodness he's finally here. Kim exhaled in relief and returned the smile. "Hi Jason," she smiled, "it was nice of you to come."
"Hello Kim. I didn't have anything else planned tonight."
Kim could tell from the expression on his face that he wasn't being entirely truthful. "I just had to get out of the house tonight and you were the only person that came to mind."
"Really?" Jason looked surprised. "That's um, interesting."
"What are you thinking?" You look so sad...
"I'm just trying to figure out why you would think of me. We've never really associated in the past."
"I can't explain it," not to you at least, "You just- I just thought of you." He probably thinks I'm crazy. Maybe I am crazy. Maybe he will notice and have me committed to an asylum.
They talked for a few hours about people they knew, the weather, recent news events and even some memories of the past. The time came when the cafe had to close the doors. The two stood up and started saying goodbyes as they prepared to leave.
"Jason," Kim looked at Jason with almost a distressed, pleading look and tried not to let her eyes tear up, "Would you mind if maybe I came to your house for a little while?" I can't go home tonight. Please say yes. Please!
"I ah.." He started. She could tell that he didn't really want her to come.
"I'm sorry. It was rude of me to invite myself. Goodnight Jason." She screamed inside. He hates me too. I just thought maybe he would be different.
She picked up her things and they made their way out of the coffee shop.
Outside in the falling snow Jason paused to think. Why am I such a creep? She sounded like she was really desperate. Maybe I should invite her over. My plans can wait until tomorrow after all. Jason turned around quickly and looked for Kim. He lightly jogged in the direction she had walked off in. He spotted her as she passed under a street lamp.
"Kim!" He raised his voice so she would hear him. She stopped and turned. She was silent as he jogged up to her. "I was wondering," he offered, slightly out of breath, "if you would like to come to my house for a little while." Her eyebrows raised but she wasted no time.
"I'd love to. Thanks."
"I wanted to take a walk tonight, so I didn't drive."
"That's great!" She said enthusiastically. "I just love the snow."
"Yeah, it's nice." Jason thought about his memories of snow. They all seemed good to him. All of them except this one. What am I doing? How can I go back home with that box under my bed? What does Kim want? There's nothing to do there.
"So," she interrupted his thoughts, "you wanted to go for a walk tonight and I called you and ruined your plans."
"Not really," he smiled at her, "I still got my walk." And I'm still thinking about what I was going to think about. He blinked as snowflakes gently fell on his face and he kicked a piece of gravel a couple of times while he walked.
They reached Jason's house after a mostly silent walk with a few comments from one to the other. As they came inside Jason flipped on the light and asked if Kim wanted anything to eat or drink. She said she was thankful for the offer but declined as she sat down on a sofa. Jason, who had been leaning with his back against the wall, decided to sit across from her. There was a slightly awkard silence as she looked around the room and he looked at her.
What are we doing here? What did she expect to find here? She looked at him and he glanced away quickly, realizing that he had been staring at her. A look of surprise flashed across his face when he noticed the clock. "Wow. I didn't realize it was so late." Kim looked in the direction he was looking to find the clock. She was also surprised at what time it displayed. "Should I take you home now?" He asked. "Do you have to be somewhere tomorrow?"
"No, I don't have any plans for tomorrow."
"Maybe you should stay here." The words came out before he even knew that he had thought them. Her surprised expression told him that he had better think of something quick. "If you don't mind, of course. The roads are probably getting bad to drive on and you shouldn't walk home in the cold, especially at this hour." What am I thinking? Why on earth did I say that? Kim looked slightly relieved but still hesitant. "You can sleep on my bed and I'll take the couch. I have some clothes you can change into."
The look of anxiety on her face turned into a soft smile as she thanked him and accepted his kind offer. Jason beckoned her to follow him into the bedroom.
Jason reached into a drawer and pulled out some sweats. "You can sleep in these." He said as he laid them on the bed. "And the bathroom is right in there."
Kim overflowed with gratitude. "Why are you doing all this for me?"
"I didn't realize I was doing anything for you." Jason smiled, slightly puzzled. "Do you need anything else?"
"No, I'm fine. Thank you Jason."
"Okay, well if you need anything don't be afraid to ask. Goodnight." He smiled as he left the room, shutting the door behind him.
Kim walked to the door and heard Jason let out a sigh and a quiet groan. She grabbed the clothes off the bed and went into the bathroom. After she changed clothes she stood in front of the mirror. I look horrible. She thought to herself. I feel horrible. What's wrong with me? Why am I invading on Jason's time and space? I feel so selfish. She rubbed her tired eyes, grabbed her folded clothes and went to lay on the bed. As she stood there her arms went limp and the clothes in her hands fell to the floor. She kicked them under the bed and climbed into the sheets.
She laid there thinking about her life and the trouble she was in. She could feel a lump begin to swell in her throat as her eyes watered up and she cried. She was sure that Jason would hear her despite her best efforts to keep silent. During the short intervals in her sobbing when she gasped for breath she could hear the sound of snow hitting the window.
What am I going to do now? I feel so worthless. But I know I'm not. I have to be worth something to somebody. Why am I having these thoughts? I used to be fine. Everything was great and I was happy. What's wrong with my mind? Have I lost my sanity? I don't want to think about it. I don't want to think about anything. I don't want to think at all. Please, God, help me! I don't know what to do. I feel so lost and confused. I need some help! Without realizing it, she began to vocalize her pleas as they became more and more despairing. She wept into a pillow.
Jason laid in the dark and argued with himself. What if she finds the box under my bed? Why would she be looking under my bed? She won't look under the bed so stop worrying about it. But what would she think of me if she found it? She would think I am insane. She'd tell me to go see a psychiatrist. I don't want that. I just want to get out of here. Maybe I should sneak in and grab it while she's sleeping. No, she might wake up and think I'm going to do something terrible to her.
Jason sighed and stared at the ceiling in the darkness, contemplating ways to make sure that Kim would not find the box which he had carelessly shoved under his bed. He gave a little jolt and became fully alert when he thought he heard a sound. He stopped breathing and even tried to stop thinking so that he could listen for the sound again. He heard some muffled noises coming from his room. Is Kim still awake? I wonder if she needs something. She probably thinks I'm asleep. What if someone broke into my place while I was gone? I should make sure she is alright.
Jason got up and headed to the bedroom door when he heard Kim talking. What's this? He leaned his ear toward the door to hear who she was talking to.
"...and I don't know what to do." Kim sniffed and choked for air. "I just want to die. I don't want to go through this anymore. It seems like every body hates me." There was a pause and Jason wished he had been more sensitive toward her this evening. He kicked himself for being caught up with himself and his own problems instead of caring about her and being compassionate to her problems.
Kim started talking again and Jason became intent on listening to her now. "Everybody except Jason. He is the only person who has been kind to me. I'm thankful for that, God. I'm thankful for him. I just wish I could tell him. He'd think I'm crazy! No, I can't tell him. I can't tell anybody." She stopped talking and all Jason could hear was muffled sobbing. He stepped away from the door.
No Kim. I don't think you're crazy. I think you are wonderful. I have always looked up to you. I wish you could see that. He made his way back to the couch with something else to think about for once. A lot of things make sense now. Some things are more puzzling, but a lot of things make sense. That's why she let the phone ring so much. That's why she wanted to come here after the cafe closed. That's why she didn't want to go home. I wonder if she has her own box underneath her bed. The thought of Kim killing herself made Jason clench his eyes tightly to keep them from watering up. Oh Kim, you're too great to feel so bad. You can't want to die when you've got so much going for you. Why, God? Why her? She's wonderful. Please help her realize that.
Jason didn't realize that he had fallen asleep until he woke up. He blinked his eyes a few times as he sat up and looked around. He looked at the clock and then thought of Kim. He went to the door and tapped lightly to see if she was awake. There was no answer. Slowly and quietly he cracked the door open to take a peek. Kim was sleeping peacfully on the bed. He opened the door halfway and took one step in so he could see her. She looked miserable but beautiful. Jason was surprised at how beautiful he found her to be. He had always thought of her as attractive but now he could see her beauty. He smiled softly as if he were looking at his own child sleeping soundly and left the room closing the door behind him. Then he went about the task of making breakfast.
Kim was slowly lifted out of unconsciousness and into complete awareness. She had slept pleasantly despite her late night pleading. It had been quite a long time since she had slept so well. She heard the clang of pots and pans that came from Jason preparing breakfast. Slipping out of bed and looking out the window she was awed at the sight. Snow had fallen all through the night and was still coming down. The world was transformed from the dark, bleak, grungy place it once was into a pure, clean, and white world. She smiled because of her memories of snow and the season that came with it. But other than the memories of an excited child it brought little happiness for her this year.
She blinked and glanced away as she was drawn out of her daydream. The feel of the floor on her bare feet reminded her that she had kicked her clothes under the bed. She crouched down and began to pull them out but a sleeve on her sweater was caught. Pulling a little harder to see if it would come free, it instead brought its captor, a small spiral notebook in a box, with it. Kim grabbed the notebook out of the box and began to work the sweater free. Once freed, she started to return the notebook to its original home when she saw the contents of the box. A sickening feeling arose in her throat and down into her stomach. She swallowed hard and pulled the box closer to her to get a better look at what it held. In disbelief and deep concern she looked at the notebook, which was open to a page, and read what was on it.
|
"To whom it may concern,
I have found that there is no peace for me in this world. There is no happiness. No joy. I hope that by removing myself from this wretched world I shall not cause too much of an inconvenience for you. I apologize for the trouble that I am sure I have caused already. Please do not blame yourself. Do not concern yourself with me now that I am gone. Please do not worry about me. You never did before." |
Kim was frozen in place. An expression of concerned disbelief was on her face. Mindlessly she placed the notebook back and gently pushed the box under the bed. With her clothes she made her way into the bathroom to change attire. How could Jason want to die? Everything seems well with him. But he did look sad last night. Maybe he wants me to help him. Maybe that is why he invited me over last night. How can I help him when I am so needy? I don't know what I'm going to do, but I will do whatever it takes to make sure that he is safe.
She looked in the mirror and groaned. She played with her hair only long enough to realize that nothing she did would improve it much until she had a good shower and the proper accessories. But Kim, who was not one to primp herself much, made only a few adjustments. With that she went to greet the day.
Jason was nearly finished cooking when he saw Kim enter the main room. He wished to say "Good morning, Beautiful!" to her but his logic told him that doing so might make her uncomfortable due to the fact that they barely knew each other.
"Good morning!" He said as he smiled at her. "You slept well, I hope."
"Yes I did sleep well, in fact. How was the couch?"
"The couch is fine. Sometimes I prefer it over the bed."
"Oh," Kim's eyebrows went up in surprise, "I'll have to try it out sometime." Now it was Jason's turn to be surprised. He tried not to show it, but the seeming forwardness of her remark shocked him. It must have shown because Kim quickly brought on another subject. "That smells wonderful!"
"Thank you. I hope you like it. It's a personal favorite of mine. French toast and home made syrup." He raised his eyebrows repeatedly.
"Mmmmm. And it sounds delicious too."
Jason pulled some dishes out of a cabinet and set them up on the small table then began to serve her. "How many for you?"
"One would be just great, thank you." Came the response. Jason chuckled to himself. "What's so funny?" She asked, amused.
"You'll want more," Jason said knowingly, "trust me."
The two enjoyed their breakfast and Kim did have more than she thought she would.
"Well," said Kim, uncertainly, "I guess I should probably leave. I didn't mean to intrude so much on you as I did." She made her way over to the door.
"Uh... Yeah, okay." Jason nodded slowly, in thought. You haven't been intruding on me. If only you knew. You've saved me! I would have been dead by now if you had not called me. I would have been dead by now if you had not come over. I would have been dead if you had not spent the night. And I would have killed myself today if I had not heard you praying last night. I have a reason to live now, because of you. I wish I could tell you...
"So, um... I'll see you again? Soon?" She looked hopeful. Jason nodded his approval. "Okay," Kim smiled, "great!" They said their fare wells and Kim excused herself out the door.
Jason closed the door behind her, leaning his head against the door. He let out a groan and a sigh. She's gone now... I should open that door right now and go get her. I should stop her. Did she also plan on suicide? I can't let her do that. I should go get her. Didn't she say she had nothing to do today? Maybe we could go do something. Standing here thinking about it won't get me anywhere! Go, Jason! Now!
Jason opened the door in a rush to chase after Kim but was surprised to see her there as if she were about to knock.
"Hi." Jason smiled, and asked her back in.